July 30, 2005 at 8:00 p.m. EST
Grab your six-shooter
and get ready for a rowdy time at the fourth annual Mistresses of
Malarkey Awards Ceremony in honor of "The Magnificent Seven" TV
series. Since we are all quite familiar with the seven 'cowboys'
that have won our hearts, let me introduce you to the seven of the
villains we love to hate.
"The Magnificent Seven" Villains
(played by Kurtwood Smith), from
the pilot episode Ghosts of the Confederacy,
was the commander of ragtag group of
Confederate soldiers still fighting the war, who found gold
trinkets at an Indian village. Believing the Seminoles are
hiding a gold mine that will enable them to resurrect their
fight against the north, Col Anderson threatens the village
with annihilation unless the gold is handed over. Anderson
and his group of outlaws return to the village to find seven
hired gunmen led by Chris Larabee have come to help defend the
village. After two hard fought battles, the Seven and the
villagers are victorious over Col. Anderson and his soldiers.
(played by Vincent Castellanos), from
Sins of the Past,
was a wanted man from Vin's past. Eli Joe devised the plot
that led to the $500.00 reward on Tanner's head, framing him
for the murder of farmer, Jess Kincaid. Ever since Vin made
his escape and avoided hanging, Eli Joe has been worried that
the bounty hunter was back on his trail. With the help of the
bogus "Marshall Yates" and his gang, Vin was "arrested" and
taken out of town, supposedly to be delivered to the law in
Tascosa, TX. Instead, they planned to hang Vin on the trail.
Chris' quick thinking saved the Texan from hanging "like a
mangy dawg" but his quick reflexes in defense of his friend
also led to Eli Joe's death, as well as the "death" of his
plans to take the outlaw back to Tascosa to confess to his
(played by Kay Lenz), from
Obsession, the widow of Joseph Petrie,
resides in her marital house and ranch just outside of Red
Fork. Her holdings in the area also include the Culpepper
Mining Company. She once had an alliance with Chris Larabee,
however, he left her just before he met Buck 10 years ago. She
ran a liquor trade for a time after their parting, but fixated
on ‘her’ Chris she arranged for Cletus Fowler to perpetrate
the fiery deaths of Sarah and Adam Larabee. Discovering Chris’
current whereabouts she hatched a plot with her current crony
Handsome Jack Averel to regain Chris’ affections. She luckily
avoided death in the conclusion of her evil plot and escaped
to an unknown location, still fixated on becoming Mrs. Chris
(played by Tim Thomerson), from
and The New Law, is a rancher with "more money and land
than God." He systematically drove homesteaders from their
property and then would buy the property from the bank at a
very reasonable price with hopes of making a profit when the
railroad came through. He believed in the "three "G's"-- God,
guns and get the hell off my property" and hired
Marshall Tophat Bob Spikes to deal
with the Seven. Guy Royal also made a second appearance in
The New Law when he joined forces with Stuart James and
hired Earl to burn the town down after the Seven had
(played by Tyne Daly), from
the matron of the notorious Nichols family from Kansas City,
MO. Her husband, Jack Nichols was an infamous racketeer who
died in prison roughly ten years ago. A "real pious woman",
she came to town with her sons in pursuit of Hank Connelly,
Chris Larabee's father-in-law, who murdered her eldest and
favorite son, David. Believing "an eye for an eye, a tooth
for a tooth," she won't rest until Hank Connolly is dead. An
all out battle ensues between the Nichols clan and the Seven
and after the dust settles, not only are several of the
Nichols boys killed but so is Hank Connelly.
Marshall Tophat Bob Spikes
Mike Moroff Burciaga), from The Collector,
was an "ugly, one-eyed coward six-and-a-half foot tall with no
hair and a sissy hat" and who had bad breath. He was paid by
Guy Royal to "take care of the Seven" when they interfered
with Royal's "collecting". He had an affinity to burning
things and a hatred for Chris Larabee that went back to a
rail-splitting contest in Indiana when Chris was around 17
years old. The friendly contest turned into a brawl where
Spikes lost his eye. Ever since then, Spikes sought
retribution against Chris.
Jesse Borrego), from
Love and Honor, came to town with
his men to take the lovely Inez Reccillos back to Mexico. She
had spurned his "advances", cut him with a broken bottle, and
stole a horse to get away. When the dastardly don tried to
force her to return with him, Buck Wilmington intervened and
the two wound up facing off against one another. Although
Buck loudly proclaimed, "around here, a fight is a gun fight,"
Paulo claimed the right to choose weapons as the one
challenged. With the aid of his friends, Buck faced the man
in a duel and defeated him. Outraged at being bested, the don
met his demise by the sword (and Wilmington's quick reflexes)
after he charged his opponent.
Credits & Thank You's!
The Fourth Annual Mistresses of
Malarkey (M.o.M) Awards Ceremony could not have been possible without
the amazing assistance and support of numerous folks. I would like
to take the time now to offer my heartfelt "thank you". . .
To my fellow List Moderators – Lady Viper, Laura,
Lisa, Sarah, and Steel for their help with all
the behind the scenes work. I could not have done it without you!!
To the amazing Lady Viper for maintaining the MoM's website,
creating the award graphics, and updating the various awards web
pages. Your imaginative and artistic talents are truly
To the ladies – J, Janette, Lady Viper,
Laura, Lisa, Sarah, and Suzy – for creating
this superb "Program of Events." Magnificent job!!!!
To the wonderful volunteers who judged all the magnificent fics!!
Thank you for your diligent efforts!!
To the amazingly inspiring authors who create thrilling, moving, and
spellbound tales based on "The Magnificent Seven".
DONE and keep writin'!!
Nancy and her Elves at Blackraptor who have never
failed to offer their support!! Thank you for continuing to
co-sponsor the awards!!
And last but not least, to all those who read the magnificent tales
and nominated these wonderful fics!! This night could not be
possible without you!! Thank you for your enthusiastic support!!
Thanks again to everyone and hope
to see you on July 30th at
EST, at the awards ceremony!
The One Destiny Award (Best Gen
Presenters Rhonda & ATF Ezra Standish
The Golden Crutch Award (Best
Best Gen Hurt/Comfort
Best Adult Hurt/Comfort
Presenters: Sarah & ATF Nathan Jackson
The John Dunne Award (Best Humor)
The Loaded Gun Award
(Best Adult Humor)
Presenters: Laura & ATF JD Dunne
The Ace of Hearts Award (Best Adult
Presenters: ATF Mary Travis, ATF Inez Recillos, and
ATF Casey Wells
The Wild Hearts Award
(Best Adult -
Presenters: ATF Vin Tanner and ATF Buck Wilmington
The Embroidered Hanky Award
Best Gen Tearjerker Best
Presenters: Guy Royal and Tophat Bob Spikes
The Brass Mirror Award (AU other
Best Gen Non-ATF AU
Best Adult Non-ATF AU
Presenters: Star Trek Buck Wilmington and
Werewolf Josiah Sanchez (Demon Hunter AU)
* * * *
* * * INTERMISSION * * *
* * * *
The Crossroads Award
Best Gen Crossover Best
Presenters: Steel, Xander, and Spike (BtVS)
Mag7 Serial Award (Best Sequential
Fics - any genre)
Best Gen Sequential Best
Presenters: Lady Viper and OW Buck Wilmington
Luscious Lips Award (Best Gen Kiss Fic)
Presenters: Lady Viper and OW
Mag 7 It's a Small World Award
(Best Little Britches Fic, Gen only)
Presenters: Joy K with (ATF) Little Vin and JD & ATF
The Glad Tidings Award (Best Holiday
Fic - any genre)
Best Gen Holiday Fic
Best Adult Holiday Fic
Presenters: OW JD Dunne & OW Josiah Sanchez
Best Little Tykes Award (Best Kid
fic, Gen only)
Presenters: LaraMee with Ma Nichols
Souls Award (Best Kid fic, Adult)
The Magnificent Ficlet Award (Best
Vignette - 25K or less, any genre)
Best Gen Vignette Best Adult
Presenters: ATF Chris Larabee & OW Orin Travis
The Best Novella Award (Best
Extended Fic - 250K or more, any genre)
Best Gen Novella Best
Presenters: Lisa & Colonel Anderson
The Vin Tanner Award (Best Poem -
Best Original Gen Poem
Best Original Adult Poem
Presenters: OW Vin Tanner & ATF Josiah Sanchez
The WIP Award (Best Work In
Best Gen WIP Best
Presenters: ATF OW Chris Larabee & OW Nathan Jackson
The Rising Star Award (Best New
Author - any genre)
Best Gen Best Adult
Presenters: Rhonda & OW Ezra Standish
Aces Award for
the Perfect Score
Presented by Rhonda
MoM Hall of
Awarded for outstanding service
and achievement in the fandom
Presented by Rhonda
Dunne's Humor Column
1: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
2: What is the biggest pencil in the world?
3: What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar?
4: What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?
5: What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
6: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
7: Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?
8: Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?
9: Why did the cowboy's car stop?
10: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
11: What advice do cows give?
12: Where do cowboys cook their meals?
13: Why didn’t the hot dog star in the movies?
14: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
15: How much do pirates' pay for their earrings?
*Answers on last page of program.
Knowledge of the
Which villain hit Ezra
and stole his jacket?
Who is Ella Gaines
current partner in crime?
Where did Miss Millie’s
family go when they left Four Corners?
Who was indirectly
Nathan’s mother’s killer?
Stephen was Mary’s
first husband. Who was her other first husband?
What was Li Pong doing
when she discovered Rupert Browning's secret?
What was Powder Man’s
Name four of the Eight
Who became Colonel
Anderson’s second in command when Corcoran was sentenced to death?
Who murdered Steven
Travis? And a bonus point for naming his daughter who resisted
Buck’s animal magnetism.
*Answers on last page of program.
Ask the Seven
a dilemma. My young lady's birthday is coming up soon, and I don't
have any idea what I should get her. I've had all sorts of advice
from well meaning friends, and now I am even more confused than
ever. Can you help me? How do I let her know how much I like her,
and how do I find the perfect gift for my girl?
exactly how you feel. Here are some things that I learned when I was
faced with the same problem. Never let your friends know that you
are interested in a girl. They always think they know the best way
to woo her, and believe me, it usually isn't the best. If your
friends do find out, never let them turn you into someone you
aren't. Spouting flowery words and getting all duded up like a dandy
isn't for everyone. Never take a friend with you when you make your
first attempt to court her. If you are nervous talking to her,
you'll be twice as nervous doing it in front of a witness. The best
thing you can do is to be yourself and follow your own heart. You'll
know what to say to her, and when you find that perfect gift you'll
know it, even if it turns out to be a frog-gigger.
it about you that makes women practically swoon at your feet? I've
tried and I can't get a woman to give me a second glance. What is
your secret with the ladies?
When I first set my eyes on a new filly,
I make sure to turn on the charm. A woman likes a soft-spoken man
with a voice warm as honey, and who is quick to smile. I try to
always be helpful and polite; I open the door for her, escort her
across the street, and offer to help her with her tasks, even if it
is only passing out newspapers. A woman likes a man with
hands that are tender and knows how to touch a lady, both in public
and in private, and I try to make her feel like she's the only woman
in the world. Most importantly, I always
treat a lady with respect. But when all is said and done and the
truth comes out, my real secret with the ladies is that they just
can't help themselves. It's all part of my animal magnetism. It gets
them every time.
What do you do when you meet an old flame,
after a long separation, and you would like to rekindle the romance?
Since my own attempt at rekindling the
flames of love was unsuccessful, I think it would be better for me
to tell you some things you shouldn't do. To avoid ending up looking
foolish, don't tell your friends about your long lost love. Don't
swoon over her every time you see her. Don't rush out and buy a new
suit in an attempt to impress her. It is a dead give away to your
friends that you're sweet on someone, if they haven't already
figured it out from that lovesick puppy look on your face. If she
rejects you, it is not a good idea to go get stinking drunk and then
rush out and interrupt her interlude with another man. Above all
else, just because you can remember everything about her, don't
assume that she remembers you. She might not remember you from Adam.
Here's hoping reality lives up to your memories.
I recently heard a story about you and it made me wonder about
something. What would you say are the perils of horseback riding in
the rain in your birthday suit?
From a female admirer who would
have loved to have seen that ride.
I would like to know who has been telling those stories. I don't
intend to hurt them, only talk to them. That's all…just talk.
Really…ah hell! Who am I fooling? Everyone knows me too well to
Since the story is out, I guess I'll go ahead and answer that
question. What are the perils of riding naked in the rain? Besides
getting caught. . . chafing (wet skin and wet saddle leather don't
mix). . .freezing (you don't realize how cold rain is until it hits
part of you that are usually kept covered. . . your boots fill with
water and turn your toes into prunes. . . pinching body parts that
you would prefer never get pinched because they get stuck between
you and the saddle. . .and the biggest one is having an old
girlfriend who tells all your friends. But despite all that, it's a
hell of a lot of fun and I'd do it all over again.
Chris "Bareback" Larabee
boyfriend is the world's worst patient. How do you get someone to
take medicine that they really don't like?
seems to be something that plagues all of us who try to tend to the
sick or wounded. Some techniques that I have found to be effective
Threatening a longer
recover time if they don't take their medicine.
Having someone else
give it to them for me, preferably someone who they can't say no
Keeping them captive in
a small room with no possibility of escape until they cooperate.
Pull a gun or knife on
And the most effective
seems to be; having someone sit on their chest, while I pinch
their nose shut and pour it down their throat.
you find this helpful.
you manage to write poetry and still come across as a manly man?
James, poet at heart.
people don't realize that
there is poetry
everywhere ... in the rise of the morning sun, the soft sound of
rustling leaves, the cry of an eagle, the sound of a babbling brook,
and the flickering warmth of a campfire on a crisp autumn evening.
It is all around you if you let yourself become in tune with nature
and listen to the world around you. Don't let what people think
stop you from writing your poetry. The ladies like a man who can
write poetry, especially if it's for her. If your friends still make
fun of you, you can always be sure to involve yourself in manly
activities like tracking and sharp shooting, and you should never
appear soft by sleeping indoors… sleep rough out in the open or in a
wagon, and above all never ask a friend to write down your poetry
for you. If all else fails, you can remind them of time spent with
the Indians and let them know just how many ways you have learned to
I've recently taken up gambling, but I
haven't been very successful. Your reputation as the best gambler
and con man has spread far and wide, so I am seeking some advice. Do
you have any tips or rules that you can share that might help me?
The life of a gambler and con man is hard
and often lonely, but it can be very lucrative. If you are
determined to continue, here are some of my cardinal rules for
success and longevity.
When lending money always charge interest
Carrying large sums of money
in the lining of your coat could save your life
Never draw to an inside straight
Never gamble with an entire clan
Beware of debris on the floor
Never gamble with little girls
Never play against your own mother
Be sure to wear underwear in case you lose your shirt in
of giving away too many of my secrets, both professional and
I shall end with this one last rule.
Always check under the table even when you are playing
Ezra P. Standish
Twisted Mag7 Lines
know, Mr. Potter, as far as I'm concerned my uncle's been more than
fair with his
nomination." Lucas James, One Day Out West
"These small ranchers, the love me.
They give me nominations."
Guy Royal, The Collector
"I reckon you can judge whatever you want to."
Tophat Bob and Curly,
"Blackfox...he's local talent. Hard to find good judges these days."
Cletus Fowler, Nemesis
"Not out here. In front of the nominating booth's no place for a
Morgan Coltraine, Safecracker
"Light it up! I want to see this town nominatin'!"
Earl, The New
"My father says you're the fastest judge there is. Now I see this
I'm not so sure, Raphael." Don Paulo, Love & Honor
"He woulda done nothin'. Not a blessed thing, but I'm not me Da,
Happy. If those farmers never reach the land, they can't nominate on
it, now, can they?"
Dicky O'Shea, Wagon Train 1
"Boy, I swear, Mattie, you'd have nominated him by now if he wasn't
so who is he?" Del Spivak, Ladykillers
"Well, thank you for your. . . nomination, Captain. You keep
Colonel Anderson, Pilot
"Well, well, well. What's a lovely young judge such as yourself
doin' in this
dusty old town?" Peter Nichols, Vendetta
"Don't worry, I will. I will nominate in grand fashion. I will break
the sixth commandment.
And then I will rejoice."
"Don't tell me my business, woman! If
you ever question my nomination again, I'll kill you!"
"You stay out of this cowboy! This ain't your nomination!"
Lucas James, One Day Out West
"Hell, my powder man went and nominated on me."
"Son, I'm a professional. I guarantee the anonymity of my
Cletus Fowler, Nemesis
Larabee's Chicken & Dumplin's . . . the best in town . . . they're
not just for Sunday's!
* * *
* * *
For Sale: Stunning purple dress. Worn only once . . . in excellent
See Ezra Standish.
* * *
* * *
James' Veal . . . the best in town . . . sold at Four Corner's
* * *
* * *
Top Hat Bob's Hair Care for Men . . . use our products and the
ladies won't be able to resist you!!
* * *
* * *
One stop shopping at Watson's Hardware . . . we have everything you
* * *
* * *
Starting to smell? Stop by Four Corners' Bathhouse for a fresh warm
* * *
* * *
Entrepreneur in search of a partner . . . see Maude Standish
* * *
* * *
Need a pre-matrimonial stipulation agreement binding to both
See Ezra Standish or Mary Travis. . .
* * *
* * *
Want to be taller? Need a love potion? A cure to fix a 'limp
It's not a bunch of hooey!! See Doctor Chow Chi. . .
* * *
* * *
Big words got you frowning? Find the answers in the Standish
* * *
* * *
Want to read interesting and fascinating stories? Read the Clarion
Pick one up today.
* * *
* * *
Something ailing you? Come to "A Healing Touch Clinic."
See Nathan Jackson. Many ailments tended to.
* * *
* * *
Want something found? Contact Tanner Tracking Service.
Finds anything from lost roots to Artillery wagons.
* * *
* * *
Need a brawl stopped? Contact Sheriff Dunne's office.
* * *
* * *
Need something to keep your black clothes from fading?
Try Larabee's Laundry Detergent
SWM . . . tall, silent, brooding man who looks good in black,
chicken and dumplings, and can freeze people with a look.
SWM with 'animal magnetism' . . . tall with a moustache,
in red long johns, loves to have a good time, and hates ugly things.
SWM who can talk religion and philosophy and can get "Old Testament"
SWM who is a poet at heart and is quiet, graceful, unassuming, and
young SWM who love bad jokes, fishing, dime store novels, and hay
SWM who has a penchant for fine haberdashery, a large vocabulary,
and never leaves anything to chance.
SBM who is good with hands, has a love for life not death but can
wield a knife when necessary.
Magnificent Website Ads
Not only do
we host the M.o.M Awards we have very talented writers!
Experience the excitement and adventure of "The Magnificent Seven"
To Hot to go outside? Bored?
Cornered by Bad Guys?
Got a hankerin' to read some Magnificent Seven fiction?
BLACKRAPTOR.NET, only place where you can peruse over
stories in a multitude of Mag 7 universes.
And Proud Co-Sponsor of M.o.M Awards
steamy night of an Oasis?
Does the night call to you
as you sit by the cool water?
HET web site: OASIS HET
series may be gone, but the stories remain.
Find out where
the writers have taken our Magnificent Seven men in their
May the fandom ride on!
Demon Bunny Press Always accepting submissions, stories &
Demon Bunny Press
Did you ever wonder what JD and Vin might have
been like as children?
Do you enjoy stories that have a sense of childlike innocence and
fun to them?
If so, you'll love the stories written in the Little Britches
We've got tales from various authors and AUs/genres.
So come on over and visit us at
LB archives at BLACKRAPTOR
and let us take you back in time!
Do you like your fiction with lots of
action, plot twists and sexy men?
Do you like a gal or
two thrown in?
Then Lisa and Ruby's "
Destiny is Not a Matter of Chance"
website is what you're hankerin' for. Check out the mix of Gen, Het and Adult fics.
forget to stop by and read some of the unique RPG's in settings of
1800's New Orleans with a supernatural twist, 1600's Caribbean
pirates, 1930's foster care ranch, current day Las Vegas casino
security and our favorites in the old west and ATF AU's.
For the link, which contains some adult content, Email:
Love Buck Wilmington? You know you
do. Head over to Ladies Man and
show your love and
support for him. More and more information is
all the time. Contributions and suggestions warmly welcomed.
Julia Verinder would like to thank the readers who nominated
her stories for the
Mistresses of Malarkey 2005 Awards. It's
wonderful to know that what was so
pleasurable to write was also
pleasurable to read. If you like stories that are
on Vin and sometimes adult in theme, do e-mail her for a URL.
Dunne's Humor Column - Answers
1: He saw the salad dressing!
3: Gimme a slug of whiskey.
4: Hoppalong Cassidy.
5: Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
6: Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
7: He was always horsing around.
8: Because he rode the range.
9: It had Injun (engine) trouble.
10: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
11: Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!
12: On the range.
13: Cause he didn’t like the rolls (role’s)
14: You look a little flushed!
15: A Buccaneer!
Test Your Knowledge – Answers
Marshal Top Hat Bob
Handsome Jack Averil
Cleaning his office
David, Peter, John,
Mark, Matthew, Luke, Anthony, and Paul
Frank Elliot and his
TAKE ME TO THE WINNERS