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 When:  July 30, 2005 at 8:00 p.m. EST

Where:  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/M_o_MFanFicAwards/ 




Grab your six-shooter and get ready for a rowdy time at the fourth annual Mistresses of Malarkey Awards Ceremony in honor of "The Magnificent Seven" TV series.  Since we are all quite familiar with the seven 'cowboys' that have won our hearts, let me introduce you to the seven of the villains we love to hate. 



"The Magnificent Seven" Villains Bios


Colonel Anderson (played by Kurtwood Smith), from the pilot episode Ghosts of the Confederacy, was the commander of ragtag group of Confederate soldiers still fighting the war, who found gold trinkets at an Indian village.  Believing the Seminoles are hiding a gold mine that will enable them to resurrect their fight against the north, Col Anderson threatens the village with annihilation unless the gold is handed over.  Anderson and his group of outlaws return to the village to find seven hired gunmen led by Chris Larabee have come to help defend the village.  After two hard fought battles, the Seven and the villagers are victorious over Col. Anderson and his soldiers. 

Eli Joe (played by Vincent Castellanos), from Sins of the Past, was a wanted man from Vin's past.  Eli Joe devised the plot that led to the $500.00 reward on Tanner's head, framing him for the murder of farmer, Jess Kincaid.  Ever since Vin made his escape and avoided hanging, Eli Joe has been worried that the bounty hunter was back on his trail.  With the help of the bogus "Marshall Yates" and his gang, Vin was "arrested" and taken out of town, supposedly to be delivered to the law in Tascosa, TX.  Instead, they planned to hang Vin on the trail.  Chris' quick thinking saved the Texan from hanging "like a mangy dawg" but his quick reflexes in defense of his friend also led to Eli Joe's death, as well as the "death" of his plans to take the outlaw back to Tascosa to confess to his dastardly deed.

Ella Gaines (played by Kay Lenz), from Obsession, the widow of Joseph Petrie, resides in her marital house and ranch just outside of Red Fork. Her holdings in the area also include the Culpepper Mining Company. She once had an alliance with Chris Larabee, however, he left her just before he met Buck 10 years ago. She ran a liquor trade for a time after their parting, but fixated on ‘her’ Chris she arranged for Cletus Fowler to perpetrate the fiery deaths of Sarah and Adam Larabee. Discovering Chris’ current whereabouts she hatched a plot with her current crony Handsome Jack Averel to regain Chris’ affections. She luckily avoided death in the conclusion of her evil plot and escaped to an unknown location, still fixated on becoming Mrs. Chris Larabee.

Guy Royal (played by Tim Thomerson), from The Collector and The New Law, is a rancher with "more money and land than God." He systematically drove homesteaders from their property and then would buy the property from the bank at a very reasonable price with hopes of making a profit when the railroad came through.  He believed in the "three "G's"-- God, guns and get the hell off my property" and hired Marshall Tophat Bob Spikes to deal with the Seven.  Guy Royal also made a second appearance in The New Law when he joined forces with Stuart James and hired Earl to burn the town down after the Seven had disbanded. 

Ma Nichols (played by Tyne Daly), from Vendetta, was the matron of the notorious Nichols family from Kansas City, MO.  Her husband, Jack Nichols was an infamous racketeer who died in prison roughly ten years ago.  A "real pious woman", she came to town with her sons in pursuit of Hank Connelly, Chris Larabee's father-in-law, who murdered her eldest and favorite son, David.  Believing "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth," she won't rest until Hank Connolly is dead.  An all out battle ensues between the Nichols clan and the Seven and after the dust settles, not only are several of the Nichols boys killed but so is Hank Connelly. 

Marshall Tophat Bob Spikes (played by Mike Moroff Burciaga), from The Collector, was an "ugly, one-eyed coward six-and-a-half foot tall with no hair and a sissy hat" and who had bad breath.  He was paid by Guy Royal to "take care of the Seven" when they interfered with Royal's "collecting".  He had an affinity to burning things and a hatred for Chris Larabee that went back to a rail-splitting contest in Indiana when Chris was around 17 years old.  The friendly contest turned into a brawl where Spikes lost his eye.  Ever since then, Spikes sought retribution against Chris. 

Don Paulo (played by Jesse Borrego), from Love and Honor, came to town with his men to take the lovely Inez Reccillos back to Mexico.  She had spurned his "advances", cut him with a broken bottle, and stole a horse to get away.  When the dastardly don tried to force her to return with him, Buck Wilmington intervened and the two wound up facing off against one another.  Although Buck loudly proclaimed, "around here, a fight is a gun fight," Paulo claimed the right to choose weapons as the one challenged.  With the aid of his friends, Buck faced the man in a duel and defeated him.  Outraged at being bested, the don met his demise by the sword (and Wilmington's quick reflexes) after he charged his opponent.



Credits & Thank You's!


The Fourth Annual Mistresses of Malarkey (M.o.M) Awards Ceremony could not have been possible without the amazing assistance and support of numerous folks.  I would like to take the time now to offer my heartfelt "thank you". . .


       To my fellow List Moderators – Lady Viper, Laura, Lisa, Sarah, and Steel  for their help with all the behind the scenes work.  I could not have done it without you!!


       To the amazing Lady Viper for maintaining the MoM's website, creating the award graphics, and updating the various awards web pages. Your imaginative and artistic talents are truly inspirational!!


       To the ladies – J, Janette, Lady Viper, Laura, Lisa, Sarah, and Suzy – for creating this superb "Program of Events."  Magnificent job!!!!


       To the wonderful volunteers who judged all the magnificent fics!!  Thank you for your diligent efforts!!


       To the amazingly inspiring authors who create thrilling, moving, and spellbound tales based on "The Magnificent Seven".  WELL DONE and keep writin'!!



         To Nancy and her Elves at Blackraptor who have never failed to offer their support!! Thank you for continuing to co-sponsor the awards!!


      And last but not least, to all those who read the magnificent tales and nominated these wonderful fics!!  This night could not be possible without you!!  Thank you for your enthusiastic support!!


Thanks again to everyone and hope to see you on July 30th at 8:00 pm EST, at the awards ceremony!


                                                                             Rhonda (Luna Dey)



Program of Events



 The One Destiny Award (Best Gen Stories)

Presenters Rhonda & ATF Ezra Standish


  The Golden Crutch Award (Best Hurt/Comfort)

Best Gen Hurt/Comfort                                  Best Adult Hurt/Comfort

Presenters:  Sarah & ATF Nathan Jackson  


 The John Dunne Award (Best Humor)

The Loaded Gun Award (Best Adult Humor)

Presenters: Laura & ATF JD Dunne


 The Ace of Hearts Award (Best Adult - Het)

Presenters: ATF Mary Travis, ATF Inez Recillos, and ATF Casey Wells


The Wild Hearts Award (Best Adult - Slash)

Presenters: ATF Vin Tanner and ATF Buck Wilmington


 The Embroidered Hanky Award (Tearjerker)

Best Gen Tearjerker                            Best Adult Tearjerker

Presenters:  Guy Royal and Tophat Bob Spikes


 The Brass Mirror Award  (AU other than ATF)

Best Gen Non-ATF AU                                 Best Adult Non-ATF AU

Presenters:  Star Trek Buck Wilmington and
Werewolf Josiah Sanchez (Demon Hunter AU)


* * *  * * * *  INTERMISSION  * * * * * * *


 The Crossroads Award (Crossovers)

Best Gen Crossover                            Best Adult Crossover

Presenters: Steel, Xander, and Spike (BtVS)


 Mag7 Serial Award (Best Sequential Fics - any genre)

Best Gen Sequential                           Best Adult Sequential

Presenters:  Lady Viper and OW Buck Wilmington 


The Luscious Lips Award (Best Gen Kiss Fic)

Presenters: Lady Viper and OW Buck Wilmington

 Mag 7 It's a Small World Award  (Best Little Britches Fic, Gen only)

Presenters: Joy K with (ATF) Little Vin and JD & ATF Orin Travis


 The Glad Tidings Award (Best Holiday Fic - any genre)

Best Gen Holiday Fic                                     Best Adult Holiday Fic

Presenters: OW JD Dunne & OW Josiah Sanchez


 Best Little Tykes Award  (Best Kid fic, Gen only)

Presenters:  LaraMee with Ma  Nichols


 The Kindred Souls Award (Best Kid fic, Adult)

Presenters: LaraMee with Raphael


 The Magnificent Ficlet Award (Best Vignette - 25K or less, any genre)

Best Gen Vignette                  Best Adult Vignette

Presenters: ATF Chris Larabee & OW Orin Travis


 The Best Novella Award (Best Extended Fic - 250K or more, any genre)

Best Gen Novella                                Best Adult Novella

Presenters: Lisa & Colonel Anderson


 The Vin Tanner Award (Best Poem - any genre)

Best Original Gen Poem                                 Best Original Adult Poem

Presenters: OW Vin Tanner & ATF Josiah Sanchez


 The WIP Award (Best Work In Progress)

Best Gen WIP                                     Best Adult WIP

Presenters: ATF OW Chris Larabee & OW Nathan Jackson


 The Rising Star Award (Best New Author - any genre)

Best Gen                                 Best Adult

Presenters: Rhonda & OW Ezra Standish


 Aces Award for the Perfect Score 
Presented by Rhonda

MoM Hall of Fame Award

 Awarded for outstanding service and achievement in the fandom
Presented by Rhonda




Dunne's Humor Column


Joke 1:  Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?

Joke 2:  What is the biggest pencil in the world?

Joke 3:  What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar?

Joke 4:  What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?

Joke 5:  What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?

Joke 6:  Why did the cowboy ride his horse?

Joke 7:  Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?

Joke 8:  Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?

Joke 9:  Why did the cowboy's car stop?

Joke 10:  Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?

Joke 11:  What advice do cows give?

Joke 12:  Where do cowboys cook their meals?

Joke 13:  Why didn’t the hot dog star in the movies?

Joke 14:  What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

Joke 15:  How much do pirates' pay for their earrings?


*Answers on last page of program.




Test Your Knowledge of the

' The Magnificent Seven'


  1. Which villain hit Ezra and stole his jacket?

  2. Who is Ella Gaines current partner in crime?

  3. Where did Miss Millie’s family go when they left Four Corners?

  4. Who was indirectly Nathan’s mother’s killer?

  5. Stephen was Mary’s first husband. Who was her other first husband?

  6. What was Li Pong doing when she discovered Rupert Browning's secret?

  7. What was Powder Man’s favorite song?

  8. Name four of the Eight Nichol’s boys?

  9. Who became Colonel Anderson’s second in command when Corcoran was sentenced to death?

  10. Who murdered Steven Travis? And a bonus point for naming his daughter who resisted Buck’s animal magnetism.


*Answers on last page of program. 



Ask the Seven

Dear JD,


I have a dilemma. My young lady's birthday is coming up soon, and I don't have any idea what I should get her. I've had all sorts of advice from well meaning friends, and now I am even more confused than ever. Can you help me? How do I let her know how much I like her, and how do I find the perfect gift for my girl?




Dear Frank,


I know exactly how you feel. Here are some things that I learned when I was faced with the same problem. Never let your friends know that you are interested in a girl. They always think they know the best way to woo her, and believe me, it usually isn't the best. If your friends do find out, never let them turn you into someone you aren't. Spouting flowery words and getting all duded up like a dandy isn't for everyone. Never take a friend with you when you make your first attempt to court her. If you are nervous talking to her, you'll be twice as nervous doing it in front of a witness. The best thing you can do is to be yourself and follow your own heart. You'll know what to say to her, and when you find that perfect gift you'll know it, even if it turns out to be a frog-gigger.


Good Luck!

JD Dunne



Dear Buck,


What is it about you that makes women practically swoon at your feet? I've tried and I can't get a woman to give me a second glance. What is your secret with the ladies?




Dear Jock,


When I first set my eyes on a new filly, I make sure to turn on the charm. A woman likes a soft-spoken man with a voice warm as honey, and who is quick to smile. I try to always be helpful and polite; I open the door for her, escort her across the street, and offer to help her with her tasks, even if it is only passing out newspapers. A woman likes a man with hands that are tender and knows how to touch a lady, both in public and in private, and I try to make her feel like she's the only woman in the world. Most importantly, I always treat a lady with respect.  But when all is said and done and the truth comes out, my real secret with the ladies is that they just can't help themselves. It's all part of my animal magnetism. It gets them every time.


Buck Wilmington



Dear Josiah,


What do you do when you meet an old flame, after a long separation, and you would like to rekindle the romance?





Dear Joe,


Since my own attempt at rekindling the flames of love was unsuccessful, I think it would be better for me to tell you some things you shouldn't do. To avoid ending up looking foolish, don't tell your friends about your long lost love. Don't swoon over her every time you see her. Don't rush out and buy a new suit in an attempt to impress her. It is a dead give away to your friends that you're sweet on someone, if they haven't already figured it out from that lovesick puppy look on your face. If she rejects you, it is not a good idea to go get stinking drunk and then rush out and interrupt her interlude with another man. Above all else, just because you can remember everything about her, don't assume that she remembers you. She might not remember you from Adam.


Here's hoping reality lives up to your memories.


                                                                                    Josiah Sanchez


Dear Chris,


I recently heard a story about you and it made me wonder about something. What would you say are the perils of horseback riding in the rain in your birthday suit?


                                 From a female admirer who would have loved to have seen that ride.



Dear Admirer,


I would like to know who has been telling those stories. I don't intend to hurt them, only talk to them. That's all…just talk. Really…ah hell! Who am I fooling? Everyone knows me too well to believe that.


Since the story is out, I guess I'll go ahead and answer that question. What are the perils of riding naked in the rain?  Besides getting caught. . . chafing (wet skin and wet saddle leather don't mix). . .freezing (you don't realize how cold rain is until it hits part of you that are usually kept covered. . . your boots fill with water and turn your toes into prunes. . . pinching body parts that you would prefer never get pinched because they get stuck between you and the saddle. . .and the biggest one is having an old girlfriend who tells all your friends. But despite all that, it's a hell of a lot of fun and I'd do it all over again.


                                                                                    Chris "Bareback" Larabee



Dear Nathan,


My boyfriend is the world's worst patient. How do you get someone to take medicine that they really don't like?





Dear Impatient,


This seems to be something that plagues all of us who try to tend to the sick or wounded. Some techniques that I have found to be effective are:


  • Threatening a longer recover time if they don't take their medicine.

  • Having someone else give it to them for me, preferably someone who they can't say no to.

  • Keeping them captive in a small room with no possibility of escape until they cooperate.

  • Pull a gun or knife on them.

  • And the most effective seems to be; having someone sit on their chest, while I pinch their nose shut and pour it down their throat.


I hope you find this helpful.


Nathan Jackson



Dear Vin,


How do you manage to write poetry and still come across as a manly man?


James, poet at heart.



Dear James,


Most people don't realize that there is poetry everywhere ... in the rise of the morning sun, the soft sound of rustling leaves, the cry of an eagle, the sound of a babbling brook, and the flickering warmth of a campfire on a crisp autumn evening.  It is all around you if you let yourself become in tune with nature and listen to the world around you.  Don't let what people think stop you from writing your poetry. The ladies like a man who can write poetry, especially if it's for her. If your friends still make fun of you, you can always be sure to involve yourself in manly activities like tracking and sharp shooting, and you should never appear soft by sleeping indoors… sleep rough out in the open or in a wagon, and above all never ask a friend to write down your poetry for you. If all else fails, you can remind them of time spent with the Indians and let them know just how many ways you have learned to hurt some.


Vin Tanner



Dear Ezra,


I've recently taken up gambling, but I haven't been very successful. Your reputation as the best gambler and con man has spread far and wide, so I am seeking some advice. Do you have any tips or rules that you can share that might help me?





Dear Unlucky,


The life of a gambler and con man is hard and often lonely, but it can be very lucrative. If you are determined to continue, here are some of my cardinal rules for success and longevity.

When lending money always charge interest

            Carrying large sums of money in the lining of your coat could save your life

Never draw to an inside straight

Never gamble with an entire clan

Beware of debris on the floor

Never gamble with little girls

Never play against your own mother

           Be sure to wear underwear in case you lose your shirt in a game

At risk of giving away too many of my secrets, both professional and personal,

 I shall end with this one last rule.


            Always check under the table even when you are playing naked!


                                                                           Yours truly,

                                                                           Ezra P. Standish




Twisted Mag7 Lines


"You know, Mr. Potter, as far as I'm concerned my uncle's been more than fair with his

nomination."  Lucas James, One Day Out West

"These small ranchers, the love me. They give me nominations."
Guy Royal, The Collector

Any judging?"
"I reckon you can judge whatever you want to."  Tophat Bob and Curly, The Collector

"Blackfox...he's local talent. Hard to find good judges these days."
Cletus Fowler, Nemesis


"Not out here. In front of the nominating booth's no place for a dust-up."
Morgan Coltraine, Safecracker

"Light it up! I want to see this town nominatin'!"  Earl, The New Law

"My father says you're the fastest judge there is. Now I see this man,
I'm not so sure, Raphael." Don Paulo, Love & Honor

"He woulda done nothin'. Not a blessed thing, but I'm not me Da, Happy. If those farmers never reach the land, they can't nominate on it, now, can they?"

Dicky O'Shea, Wagon Train 1

"Boy, I swear, Mattie, you'd have nominated him by now if he wasn't your boyfriend,
so who is he?"  Del Spivak, Ladykillers

"Well, thank you for your. . . nomination, Captain. You keep firing."
Colonel Anderson, Pilot

"Well, well, well. What's a lovely young judge such as yourself doin' in this
dusty old town?" Peter Nichols, Vendetta

"Don't worry, I will. I will nominate in grand fashion. I will break the sixth commandment.

And then I will rejoice."  Ma Nichols, Vendetta

"Don't tell me my business, woman! If you ever question my nomination again, I'll kill you!"

Wickes, Working Girls

"You stay out of this cowboy! This ain't your nomination!"
Lucas James, One Day Out West

"Hell, my powder man went and nominated on me."  Morgan Coltraine, Safecracker

"Son, I'm a professional. I guarantee the anonymity of my nominations."
Cletus Fowler, Nemesis




Larabee's Chicken & Dumplin's . . . the best in town . . . they're not just for Sunday's!


* * * * * *


For Sale:  Stunning purple dress.  Worn only once . . . in excellent condition. 

See Ezra Standish.


* * * * * *


James' Veal . . . the best in town . . . sold at Four Corner's finest restaurant!!


* * * * * *


Top Hat Bob's Hair Care for Men . . . use our products and the

ladies won't be able to resist you!!


* * * * * *


One stop shopping at Watson's Hardware . . . we have everything you might need!!


* * * * * *


Starting to smell?  Stop by Four Corners' Bathhouse for a fresh warm bath!! 

Towels provided!!


* * * * * *


Entrepreneur in search of a partner . . . see Maude Standish


* * * * * *


Need a pre-matrimonial stipulation agreement binding to both parties? 

See Ezra Standish or Mary Travis. . .


* * * * * *


Want to be taller?  Need a love potion?  A cure to fix a 'limp noodle'? 

It's not a bunch of hooey!!  See Doctor Chow Chi. . .


* * * * * *


Big words got you frowning?  Find the answers in the Standish Dictionary.


* * * * * *


Want to read interesting and fascinating stories?  Read the Clarion News! 

Pick one up today.


* * * * * *


Something ailing you?  Come to "A Healing Touch Clinic." 

See Nathan Jackson.  Many ailments tended to.


* * * * * *


Want something found?  Contact Tanner Tracking Service. 

Finds anything from lost roots to Artillery wagons.


* * * * * *


Need a brawl stopped?  Contact Sheriff Dunne's office.


* * * * * *


Need something to keep your black clothes from fading?

Try Larabee's Laundry Detergent




Wanted SWM . . . tall, silent, brooding man who looks good in black,

enjoys chicken and dumplings, and can freeze people with a look.


Wanted SWM with 'animal magnetism' . . . tall with a moustache,

looks good in red long johns, loves to have a good time, and hates ugly things.


Wanted SWM who can talk religion and philosophy and can get "Old Testament" on occasion.


Wanted SWM who is a poet at heart and is quiet, graceful, unassuming, and loves adventure.


Wanted young SWM who love bad jokes, fishing, dime store novels, and hay lofts.


Wanted SWM who has a penchant for fine haberdashery, a large vocabulary,

and never leaves anything to chance.


Wanted SBM who is good with hands, has a love for life not death but can also

wield a knife when necessary.



Magnificent Website Ads

Mistresses of Malarkey

Not only do we host the M.o.M Awards we have very talented writers!
Experience the excitement and adventure of "The Magnificent Seven" at




To Hot to go outside?  Bored?  Cornered by Bad Guys? 
Got a hankerin' to read some Magnificent Seven fiction?

BLACKRAPTOR.NET, only place where you can peruse over 3,500 

stories in a multitude of Mag 7 universes.

And Proud Co-Sponsor of M.o.M Awards


Like the steamy night of an Oasis?

Does the night call to you as you sit by the cool water?

Visit the HET web site:  OASIS HET




The series may be gone, but the stories remain. 

Find out where the writers have taken our Magnificent Seven men in their adventures. 

May the fandom ride on!

Visit Demon Bunny Press  Always accepting submissions, stories & artwork


Email:  Demon Bunny Press




Did you ever wonder what JD and Vin might have been like as children? 
Do you enjoy stories that have a sense of childlike innocence and fun to them? 
If so, you'll love the stories written in the Little Britches universe.  

We've got tales from various authors and AUs/genres.  

So come on over and visit us at  LB archives at BLACKRAPTOR 

and let us take you back in time!




Do you like your fiction with lots of action, plot twists and sexy men? 
Do you like a gal or two thrown in? 
Then Lisa and Ruby's " Destiny is Not a Matter of Chance"

website is what you're hankerin' for. Check out the mix of Gen, Het and Adult fics. 

Don't forget to stop by and read some of the unique RPG's in settings of 1800's New Orleans with a supernatural twist, 1600's Caribbean pirates, 1930's foster care ranch, current day Las Vegas casino security and our favorites in the old west and ATF AU's. 

For the link, which contains some adult content, Email:
Gamblers_ruby or Coolbrz82001



Love Buck Wilmington?  You know you do.  Head over to Ladies Man and
show your love and support for him.  More and more information is
being added all the time.  Contributions and suggestions warmly welcomed.



Julia Verinder would like to thank the readers who nominated her stories for the

Mistresses of Malarkey 2005 Awards. It's wonderful to know that what was so

pleasurable to write was also pleasurable to read. If you like stories that are

often centered on Vin and sometimes adult in theme, do e-mail her for a URL.




Dunne's Humor Column - Answers


Joke 1:  He saw the salad dressing!

Joke 2:  Pennsylvania.

Joke 3:  Gimme a slug of whiskey.

Joke 4:  Hoppalong Cassidy.

Joke 5:  Bronchitis (bronc-itis).

Joke 6:  Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

Joke 7:  He was always horsing around.

Joke 8:  Because he rode the range.

Joke 9:  It had Injun (engine) trouble.

Joke 10:  Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

Joke 11:  Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!

Joke 12:  On the range.

Joke 13:  Cause he didn’t like the rolls (role’s)

Joke 14:  You look a little flushed!

Joke 15:  A Buccaneer!


Test Your Knowledge – Answers
  1. Marshal Top Hat Bob Spikes

  2. Handsome Jack Averil

  3. Kansas

  4. Jonah Catchings

  5. Frank

  6. Cleaning his office

  7. Camptown Races

  8. David, Peter, John, Mark, Matthew, Luke, Anthony, and Paul

  9. Sgt Darcy

  10. Frank Elliot and his daughter, Virginia